dying young…

Two months ago I started changing my game plan—- lost 10 pounds now, my eating habit and pattern changed, I started taking care of my unblemished face.

I feel very much alive!

And that scared me.

The thought of missing being dead by 50 scared me…

that if I surpasses 50,

I should be taking care of “me” to stay beautiful.

I’ve always thought of being dead by 50.

I said,

I needed to—— be dead by 50, so I will still be beautiful and not crippled or old in my coffin.  At 26, I have an already paid up funeral and cremation service.  

That’s how ready I was…. 

Do not get me wrong…

I knew back then that there is still life after 50 because my Mom was still scary and matriarchal at 70.  But with my bone disorder, I knew getting old will be a battle… I have seen how my brother died at 9 years old with the same bone issue.

I said,

I don’t want to die in pain or in vain… so I needed to vanish in style at 50.

Alas! It’s a day after my 50th today and I am still alive. I’m supposed to be back in Barcelona this day as part of my European tour for my golden year. Instead, I spent my big 5-0 with my Gam-Anon family that I lived on e-comps for my celebration, had a slice of brownie for my cake with a make-shift lighter candle! Fashionless huh but I lost enough money to spend not only on an European tour but to buy a stock of Amazon or Ethereum coin.

Thankful of this day though, I never realized this would be me after 50. Same old, same old. Nothing had changed except my stubborn white hair that keeps popping out even how I dye them down.

Someone I knew back in my childhood died recently. He must have been 50 this year…

Indeed when its our time, it is the time.

Not because I wanted to die at 50—

I could just die and lie in a coffin at 50…

50 is just a number, I don’t feel like I am 50…

But what is it really like to be 50?

I do not know.

Let me be 50 this year then I will decide when to die next….

G.

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