Two months ago I started changing my game plan—- lost 10 pounds now, my eating habit and pattern changed, I started taking care of my unblemished face.
I feel very much alive!
And that scared me.
The thought of missing being dead by 50 scared me…
that if I surpasses 50,
I should be taking care of “me” to stay beautiful.
I’ve always thought of being dead by 50.
I needed to—— be dead by 50, so I will still be beautiful and not crippled or old in my coffin. At 26, I have an already paid up funeral and cremation service.
That’s how ready I was….
Do not get me wrong…
I knew back then that there is still life after 50 because my Mom was still scary and matriarchal at 70. But with my bone disorder, I knew getting old will be a battle… I have seen how my brother died at 9 years old with the same bone issue.
I don’t want to die in pain or in vain… so I needed to vanish in style at 50.
Alas! It’s a day after my 50th today and I am still alive. I’m supposed to be back in Barcelona this day as part of my European tour for my golden year. Instead, I spent my big 5-0 with my Gam-Anon family that I lived on e-comps for my celebration, had a slice of brownie for my cake with a make-shift lighter candle! Fashionless huh but I lost enough money to spend not only on an European tour but to buy a stock of Amazon or Ethereum coin.
Thankful of this day though, I never realized this would be me after 50. Same old, same old. Nothing had changed except my stubborn white hair that keeps popping out even how I dye them down.
Someone I knew back in my childhood died recently. He must have been 50 this year…
Indeed when its our time, it is the time.
Not because I wanted to die at 50—
I could just die and lie in a coffin at 50…
50 is just a number, I don’t feel like I am 50…
But what is it really like to be 50?
I do not know.
Let me be 50 this year then I will decide when to die next….