sound of silence…

News flash! I got a raise.

So while clocking in online, can’t help myself from checking my new rate.  With my left hand covering my mouth I opened the paystub tickler. Then I frowned, logged out of the system.

An enormous silence clouded my brain.

I went to see the first patient, then the second, then the next… and I just kept going.  I managed to see patients while my mind or half of my brain is out there in the limbo? — consumed by an enormous silence.

I didn’t even notice that I was running the show by myself– that my partner MD was stuck in some car problems.  I moved on, brushed silence off my head, but its enormity kept engulfing my whole being now.

At 230pm I told April that I am leaving at 3pm sharp. I felt the dryness in my mouth… it’s sore. My head is heavy now.  At least I can still feel my head, silence didn’t eat it all— I still have my head.

At 245pm, while finishing up with my last consult I heard my stomach grunting, excused myself, ran back to my desk and sipped my bottled water.  After the 20th chart, I saw silence smiled in my face while high-fiving with his friend.

I logged back in my ADP and clocked out, tempted to check the new rate again but silence’s friend punched me in my gut.20180328_184510

Suddenly there’s a pang of sadness in my heart.

I took the exit stairs on my way down from the third floor… with heavy steps I reached the car, opened it and took a deep sigh.  I started the engine with angst of silence’s loudness and the pang of sadness inundating my being.

I slammed both hands in the steering wheel… I am pissed.


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