News flash! I got a raise.
So while clocking in online, can’t help myself from checking my new rate. With my left hand covering my mouth I opened the paystub tickler. Then I frowned, logged out of the system.
An enormous silence clouded my brain.
I went to see the first patient, then the second, then the next… and I just kept going. I managed to see patients while my mind or half of my brain is out there in the limbo? — consumed by an enormous silence.
I didn’t even notice that I was running the show by myself– that my partner MD was stuck in some car problems. I moved on, brushed silence off my head, but its enormity kept engulfing my whole being now.
At 230pm I told April that I am leaving at 3pm sharp. I felt the dryness in my mouth… it’s sore. My head is heavy now. At least I can still feel my head, silence didn’t eat it all— I still have my head.
At 245pm, while finishing up with my last consult I heard my stomach grunting, excused myself, ran back to my desk and sipped my bottled water. After the 20th chart, I saw silence smiled in my face while high-fiving with his friend.
I logged back in my ADP and clocked out, tempted to check the new rate again but silence’s friend punched me in my gut.
Suddenly there’s a pang of sadness in my heart.
I took the exit stairs on my way down from the third floor… with heavy steps I reached the car, opened it and took a deep sigh. I started the engine with angst of silence’s loudness and the pang of sadness inundating my being.
I slammed both hands in the steering wheel… I am pissed.